Fear: The Gray Area

On being afraid: Often, the scariest things I face are the things that remain gray. Without meaning to, well intentioned people can become paralyzed by the fear of gray areas. The problem in this is that life does not reward your intentions, only your actions. If fear is what prevents you from doing things that are significant, then you better take fear on.

I’ve got some friends, and this doesn’t really seem to apply to them. They are afraid of what seems to be nothing. Heights. Challenges. Whatever it may be, there is no fear in them.

But I do have fears, and I think most of us are afraid in several areas of our lives. So here is something that I have done that helps me with fear. I write the gray area down. For an example, I’m using one that a few people struggle with: meeting new people.

I want to go meet new people, but I’m afraid…

Afraid of what?

1. Rejection. (If they don’t want to hang out with me, I must not be good enough.)

2. Being hurt. (If they do accept me, they might hurt me. This has happened before, I don’t want it to happen again.)

3. They end up knowing me. (I think if they knew the real me, they might not like me. I don’t like me half the time. Once again, this would hurt.)

4. What do I say? (If I don’t know what to say, I might look dumb, and if I look dumb, then I will feel inadequate. Especially if they give me one of those, “You’re really dumb or awkward looks.” That would hurt.)

5. What if these people are murderers. (If they are murderers, they might kill me. That would be the end of me. I’m afraid of being killed by these new people who might end up being my friends.)

Now, there may be more things on your list, but this would be a pretty good starting list. Yes, it might be a little extreme, but I’m really trying to convey the worst case scenarios. The great thing is that once you see what the worst case scenario is,  then the fear of meeting a new person isn’t nearly as bad as it might be otherwise. Often, we are most terrified by the unknown. If you can predict with any accuracy what the worst possible ending will be, then you will likely be less afraid. (Unless it is doing something you shouldn’t do. Such as cheating on your exams, cheating on your wife, or cheating on your taxes. Most things with cheating are things you should be afraid of doing.)

Even if you are just as afraid as you were before you made the list, you now know exactly what you are up against. After writing down all the fear, you might step back and take a second look at those fears. You can also look at your fears, and choose a different outcome for yourself. Such as this.

I want to go meet new people, but I’m afraid…

Afraid of what?

1. Rejection. (If they don’t want to hang out with me, I must not be good enough.) Actually, I am good enough. I know who I am, and I know I belong to God. Their rejection says more about them than it does me.

2. Being hurt. (If they do accept me, they might hurt me. This has happened before, I don’t want it to happen again.) They could hurt me, but not every person in this world is evil. If I don’t meet someone, then trust someone, I know I won’t be able to love someone. Giving love and receiving love are key to me as a human being. It is more important than the fear of being hurt.

3. They end up knowing me. (I think if they knew the real me, they might not like me. I don’t like me half the time. Once again, this would hurt.) Knowing me is a good thing, because I know who I am. I am a son (or daughter) of the Most High. I care about people, and I have something to share that no one else does. My heart. My mind. My life.

4. What do I say? (If I don’t know what to say, I might look dumb, and if I look dumb, then I will feel inadequate. Especially if they give me one of those, “You’re really dumb or awkward looks.” That would hurt.) I don’t have to worry about what to say. The burden of great conversations does not rest on my shoulders. I’ll just be who I am.

5. What if these people are murderers? (If they are murderers, they might kill me. That would be the end of me. I’m afraid of being killed by these new people who might end up being my friends.) Man, if these people kill me, I get to go be with God in heaven. But most people I meet are not killers. I think I’ll be ok.

Writing down your fears makes it a black and white issue. The gray is gone. When you’re not walking in a cloud of fear, you can step forward and live the life you want to live. The command God gives more than any other in the Bible is, “Do not fear.” Why? Because God knows we do. So when you feel fear, give it a name, make it black and white, and then if it is good, do it. Do not let fear control you. Life will not reward your intentions that were thwarted by fear, only your actions that overcome it.

What Would You Give?

Moses was quite the man. He was a stuttering shepherd. God called him and he led millions of Israelites out of slavery into the wilderness, and prepared them to go to the promised land. Moses and the Lord talked quite often. The Lord wanted to talk to all of Israel, but the Israelites were scared of Him and just wanted Moses to go talk to the Lord. So Moses would go up on the mountain, and the conversation would begin. Sometimes, Moses stayed in the presence of God for a long period of time. One time, he stayed forty days without eating food or drinking water, a supernatural fast where his needs were taken care of exclusively by God.

One day, Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Exodus 33:18-20.

Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.” Exodus 34:5-6 

Moses spent a lot of time with God. He stood with God when a lot stood against him. He led people courageously. In the midst of it all, there is this one moment when God and Moses have a different kind of encounter. Moses doesn’t just hear from God, but God passed right in front of him. You and I have something Moses didn’t have. The continual indwelling of the Holy Spirit of God.

Sometimes, you get used to what you have. I hate to say it, but we do. We take for granted that God himself is living inside of us. The question that rises out of all this is, “How much do I desire God?” How much do I want God? Not an experience, but an encounter with the Living God. How much do you want God?

What would you give to have the kind of encounter Moses had with God? How much time would you give? What would you give to know God in this way? I think because I grew up with the understanding that God was with me that I don’t realize how amazing it is. God’s Holy Spirit is inside of me, and wants to guide me and direct me to whatever He wants. Not what everyone else says. Not what everyone else thinks. What God wants. How much do you want God? What would you give to encounter Him like Moses?

Theoretical Life

Yesterday, I was in Oklahoma City. My friend Kent and I went to Hafer Park and walked around. As we were walking, we talked about different stories each of us had at the park. Conversations we had with other people, when God connected us to certain people at times, and times when someone really changed perspective. Kent says something that I couldn’t agree with more.

“Life’s greatest moments are not lived in coffeeshops. And you don’t remember the coffeeshop times.”

Seeing as this is a blog, I think I may have offended eighty to ninety percent of the readers with the line I just wrote. But give me a second. I”ll explain. Coffeeshops are safe havens in culture today. It is a laid back atmosphere where you can get to know someone, talk through some things that you’re going through, write, create, discover, and think. It is a place for deep conversations or for friends to hang out. But the one thing that I have done very little at a coffeeshop is do.

Coffeeshops provide a wonderful atmosphere for theoretical lives. There are so many buzzwords in Christian culture today. I have said many of them at different times, and quite often in describing something at a coffeeshop. Phrases like,

“Sharing life together.”

“Taking the journey together.”

“Pouring into each other.”

These are all very elegant phrases. I’m not sure who came up with them, but someone at some point did.  Coffeeshops are breeding grounds for “deep, philosophical, theological, anthropological conversations” but the question is, how many moments of all the times you’ve spent in coffeeshops do you remember? For me, I don’t remember a whole lot of them. I remember meeting with people, and a genuine excitement as we talked ideas, culture, and trying to make sense of it all. One day, I woke up to the realization that I was living a theoretical life. I knew the Christian quotes. The cliche stuff. The new sayings that people put out that people retweet, and almost wait for. I could talk in a lot of different fields of study. So some people would say I was deep or smart. But my life was lived mainly in one sense.

Theory.

Don Miller says that a character is what they do. In a movie for instance, a character has to do something. If Frodo doesn’t leave The Shire, the story is lame. If Luke doesn’t leave Tatooine, the story is lame. If William Wallace doesn’t revolt against the British, the story is lame. In fact, the story is never there if the characters don’t do something. If Ryan Gosling doesn’t make a move at the State Fair for Rachel McAdams in the Notebook, then nobody would have been crying at the end. A character has to do something.

Would you watch a movie where a character just went and talked about ideas all day? Probably not. Would you watch a movie where a character just did the same thing every day, going through the motions, and slaving away at something they don’t really like. Probably not. Would you watch a movie where a character faces conflict, and determines to do something different? Those are the movies we watch. And this isn’t just in movies. This is the books we read, and usually the most exciting people to be around. People who do something.

A character is what they do. And you remember what you do. The time I got lost with my family on a hike in the mountains. The time Drew and I hiked 20 miles in one day in the Appalachians, and then monsoon rains hit. The time Kyler and I did Garnett’s Youth Retreat back in college. The time we went down and fed the homeless.

You get the idea. The only way to really live a great story is to do something. If you talk about, if you cram your life with busyness, if you think about what you would do, you aren’t doing it. Because you won’t remember those stories. A character is what they do. In today’s culture, the theme is to watch other people live. To be entertained. Instead of thinking about what it would be like to do what the entertainment does, leave the theoretical life and go do it.

Like Raindrops In The Ocean, Like A Walk In The Woods

My life feels like this sometimes. I think about how big the world is, how many people there are. And I feel small. Like a raindrop in the ocean. I like this image. God says I am important to Him. Yet, I am not the most important person on the face of the earth (although sometimes I do act like it.) What I do with my life is important to me, and to those I love and those who love me. But in the grand scheme of things, I’m just a raindrop in the ocean. This is pleasant to my soul, because God has a very great kingdom, and I am a small part of it. God’s kingdom is like the ocean, and I can’t wrap my mind around it. Yet, God listens to me. God wants me to be in relationship with Him. And to pray great things. And to do great things. And to give me a great future. This is in the heart of God for each person, I believe.

My life feels like this sometimes. Like a walk in the woods. There are certain paths we walk down again and again in life. We think in certain ways that tread certain paths through our minds. After thinking one way for a while, it is easier to walk down that path. Or maybe it’s what we do. You do the same thing day after day, and it becomes a well worn path that you are very familiar with. My struggle is that all the paths that I’ve worn down are not all the paths I want to walk for this life. I have some paths of selfishness. Paths of lust. Paths of bitterness. It is easy to walk down those paths, because those are familiar paths. But then, there is this beautiful, refreshing poem from Robert Frost.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. It is as simple as that. I am thankful to be doing something different today. Walking a path that is not easy, but it is worthwhile, and in it I find great satisfaction.

Late Night Faith and Doubt

I used to think God worked like a textbook. Faith seemed as simple as solving an equation. 2 + 2 = 4. Basically, if you asked God to do something with faith, and you were following Him, then He was obliged to you to do what you want. 

 
 
Then I prayed for my Aunt to be healed from cancer, but she ended up passing away after a long battle with the cancer. So I really didn’t know anymore. Call me simplistic but I didn’t know what to do. I put my faith tokens in the vending machine, and it seemed like God took my prayers and gave me nothing in return. Those prayers, tokens of faith left me confused. Frustrated. Cynical.
 
And I didn’t really get this whole faith thing anymore. I guess you could say it just didn’t seem fair. I mean, that’s what I said. 

So I didn’t know what to do with God. He didn’t necessarily do what I wanted when I wanted Him to do it. As a matter of fact, sometimes, He just seemed a million miles away. I would be frustrated about my lack of faith, especially when I was around Christians who really seemed to believe in God way more strongly than I did. I felt like everybody else had plenty tokens of faith, but I was scrambling around parking lots looking for loose tokens somebody might have dropped. Well, I wasn’t a very good Christian cause I didn’t believe in God the way I should. Sometimes, I didn’t really believe in Him at all. I would tell Him that. (I know, crazy right? I’d tell God that I didn’t believe in Him. If you don’t believe something or someone is real, you don’t address them. Not God though. I had to tell Him that I didn’t buy the whole faith thing.) Deep down, I wanted to believe. 

I would attempt to extract my doubt, my struggle, my sin, my shame, but to no avail. The harder I tried to fix it, the less it worked. 

What I missed all along is that faith is a gift. It is given to us by God because He wanted us to seek connection with Him, not just collection from Him. God is okay with us being lonely, being poor, being unsure, being frustrated, unsettled, confused, and scared to death that our lives are going to fall apart. Because those struggles have the potential to draw us back into conversation with Him. God knows that faith is not easy for all of us. Okay, maybe your faith in Jesus for salvation comes naturally, but what about day to day faith? Day to day trust? How easy is that? God gives us faith because through faith we come to know Him better. Or as the Scriptures say, 

“In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:4-5.

Even when you feel insecure about your faith, God is not going anywhere. It is very hard for us to let Him down when He has been the one holding us up. The faith inside that wavers, that is a gift that He has given you. Maybe a different way to look at it is that I waver, but faith keeps turning me back to God. Because the gift is like the giver. I am yet to fully acclimate to the gift because I live in the struggle of a broken world. Light shines in the darkness. That you’re wanting to believe, hoping you’ll believe or even stepping into belief with God is something that shows that darkness will not win. Light shines in the darkness. It’s just that light is confusing because it doesn’t take orders. It certainly does illuminate relationship through truth, honesty, and then grace which covers over all the truth about us that otherwise would have brought us shame and condemnation. Light reveals everything hidden, and as the hidden places are illuminated, life enters us. And all this is a mystery. Because no one can explain God. But He gives me faith to believe. And so I live.