Evening Constitutional

April 2, 2011 — Leave a comment

Tonight, I went out for a walk. This is something I did almost every night in January. This is something that was part of my daily rhythm, and I couldn’t stay away from it.

Tonight, I was reminded why I love these walks. They reconnect me to myself, to God, to this planet. Life is fast paced. Most people I talk to don’t say, “I just have too many hours in each day and I can’t seem to fill the time.” We are busy, so much so that we are constantly running out of time. I find that I don’t just run out of time, I run out of myself. You can live so externally that you become unfamiliar with your own heart and the questions on it.

Tonight in my walk, I thought about how I love jazz. Nothing speaks to my soul like jazz does. Ever since I read Blue Like Jazz, the way I see life makes a little more sense. Like some things, they just don’t resolve.

Does it bother you, when you can’t figure out why they ended things with you the way they did?

Or the way you can’t figure out if you were the problem?

Or the way you question why you ask so many questions about yourself?

This leads me to another question:

What do you do when there is no resolve? When situations rise through the air like a jazz chord that simultaneously whispers freedom while leaving you unsettled, what do you do?

This reminds me of the nights I sat on the steps of Capital Normal in Beijing, and listened to jazz flow through the humid summer air. And with all of the questions and all of the thoughts I had, I didn’t feel so lonely even when I was alone.

Because the moon that hung in the sky would soon be the moon in the evening for all my friends across the ocean that I missed. And I didn’t have to know it all. I could simply sit, and enjoy that life is a little like jazz.

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I want to take up biking and tennis. If either of these sound fun to you, maybe we’ll play or ride sometime together. I took tennis lessons a few years ago…like ten. So watch out, my forehand may still be something. Ha.

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I want to travel more. I’m going to sleep now.

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