Moving On

I think it was the way her eyes laughed at the days to come that got me. Maybe it was the way she smiled. Either way, I was captivated. When she left, the wind caught her blonde hair, and occasionally waves wisps of it on the horizon when my eyes stretch to the setting sun. You know when you fall for someone, but it isn’t quite mutual but you keep imagining that it is mutual? Then you look back and say, “Wait, how long did I think like that?” Somewhere along the way, you decide it’s time to move on. Not because you want to. Because you have to.

* * * *

Last year, I woke up early one morning and climbed a mountain. I felt like God was whispering to me at 5 AM, “Come find me on this mountain.” I saw God in the red and orange as the sun ascended over the mountains. I found God in each step that left me a little more breathless than the previous. And then God found me when I got lost, and directed me back up, away from the cliff I almost fell off. Then, He led me down the mountain. And the direction came after a prayer.

* * * *

My sister told me there are five stages of grief. 1. Denial. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance. These stages of grief can and often happen more than once over one thing you’re grieving over. I’m idealistic enough that I rarely believe in acceptance, because certainly the situation can change right? Things can go back to how they were, right? I’m learning some things change, some things come back to life, and some things are assigned a grave. We don’t get them back. When those things aren’t things but instead they are the breathing, talking, feeling, hugging, crying, laughing memories of life, I don’t want them to be in a grave. Yet, I can fight for months and not have what was. Instead, I have what is. Which is the life that I am living now, and the days to come.

* * * *

If there is one thing that hurts more than others, it is letting people down. These are the times when I forget who I am, and what I am about. When I do that, I act in a way that makes people wonder if they ever knew me in the first place. Owning that is hard to do, but it is necessary for me to love them again. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I want to love with my whole heart.

* * * *

There are times you have to learn to say “no”. And if you have said “yes” for a long time, people may not like to hear you say “no”. I don’t think “no” is the goal of life. If you don’t learn how to say “no”, then you will end up exhausted. I think the word “no” is best spoken when a “yes” has already been determined. What you say “yes” to will determine much of what you say “no” to. No can hurt. But a whole-hearted no is better than a half-hearted yes.

* * * *

Some dreams need to rest in peace. They need to die so that the better dreams can awaken in our hearts. You can live between stage 1 and 5 for a long time. There is a season to grieve what was. There is a season to accept what is. If she drove into the sunset, maybe that’s where she belongs. And it’s time to let the sun set on that part of life. If being someone who I am not is leading me down a path I don’t belong on, then I need to say “no” to who I am not. Why? I want to love people from my core, and at my core, I have love to share.

I am learning to give a whole-hearted “no”, because God is establishing my heart to live in a whole-hearted “yes”. Along the way, the Lord will wake me up to climb mountains. God is teaching me I was made for these adventures where I get lost, and ask Him to guide me back down the mountain. God loves these adventures the most. These are the days I learn to trust all over again.


2 thoughts on “Moving On

  1. “Lord I can’t see how you’re leading me, Unless you’ve led me here…
    Till I’m lost enough to let myself be led…” Rich Mullins

    I love your heart Dave…

  2. David, I think it is time to come to this valley and spend a little time with Gram and Papaw. I can’t rock you on my lap like I used to do and read you stories, but I can still tuck you in at night and tell you stories and you can tell me some as well. You can ask me if my face hurts.


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