The problem with losing someone you love is felt especially when they have a lot of stability in your life. It’s like a chair with four legs, and suddenly one of the legs just got broken off. Anytime you try to sit down, you discover again the chair does not hold you up. The balance is off. Something isn’t right when you sit down.
There are different degrees of loss, but you know what this feeling is like if you’ve lost anyone or anything you have ever loved. All you can do is stare up into the cosmos. As billions of stars look down at you from all those light years away, you realize you don’t have any more answers than you did before.
I heard someone say, “Lean into the pain.” Forget that. I don’t want to lean into pain. If I lean into this, I know what it feels like, so I’d rather not even mention it, rather not bring it up. I used to not understand what it was like for people to lose somebody they lost, because I thought I could help them make sense of it through concepts and ideas. There’s no concept that does anything to fill the hole inside of you when somebody you love is gone.
* * *
The crazy thing about death is that somebody could die in a moment, or they could die over a long period of time. But when they die, they’re dead all at once. Suddenly, they’re gone. You look down at the body that once held them, and they’re not there.
Some people say when you die, you don’t go anywhere. I disagree because when I saw death, this is going to sound weird, but it wasn’t the person that died. I mean, it was the person, at least in a sense. Really though, it was the body that died. The body stopped inhaling and exhaling. All at once, this question rushed into my heart. “Where did she go?” The conversations, the energy, the life force, the soul that I knew? Where does the soul go? Where does this life force end up? Where does this energy, this person you once talked to, where do they go?
If you could point me to the door they stand behind, I’ll throw that door open in a moment. But that door has a padlock on it from this side of humanity. There’s only one way to the other side of that door. You don’t get to the immaterial through material. You can’t.
You can read Part 2 of “What Do You Do With Loss?” here.