I want to fight somebody today. I don’t even know why. I feel like everyone I’m seeing is lining up to trip me up, and I’m ready for one of them to actually stick out their foot and trip me. If they do, I swear, I’m going to fight them. I don’t even know what I’m mad about. I don’t even know why I’m mad. Yeah, I do. I want to make a call, but that number doesn’t actually belong to her anymore. If someone answers the call, then I’m going to poop my pants like a toddler. And if no one picks up, then I’ll just remember all over again that Mom is gone. That’s the problem of calling someone’s number when they’re not there anymore. I don’t want to remember that, I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to feel that. Instead, I just want to fight someone.
This feeling in my bones, this frustration used to not be there. My friend, Morgan told me the other day to take these doubts and questions, and turn them right into God, and ask, “Why?” He told me that’s what faith does. I think I’ve been avoiding God lately. That might sound crazy to some people. After all, how do you avoid God when he is everywhere? He knows your thoughts before you speak them.
What Morgan said sounds nice. I kind of don’t want to do that everthough because then I have to bring this up and feel it. When I feel the pain all the way in my bones, when I let what I saw happen to her body and her soul get into my soul, I feel like I’m going to fall apart, or maybe I’m just going to rage on someone. Please, someone, please trip me. I’m ready.
* * *
This is what our lives are made up of right here. These pursuits for power suits, powerful jobs, or the people who somehow have the power in the relationship. When I was in college, I started loving Waffle House. You know, Waffle House is delicious, but the reason it’s so good after midnight is because Waffle House brings out their best food after midnight. No one knows where they hide the better bacon, sausage, and eggs, but they bring it out at midnight. All these late nights at Waffle House led to these late nights at Whataburger or Wing Stop. If I was having a bad day, I was going to smother that day under a pile of burgers, wings, and fries. Then I was going to pour a Coke on that bad day, and watch it fall apart like a nickel sitting in a Coke overnight. That bad day was going to vanish. Those bad memories were going to vanish.
Where did these bad weeks, days, and thoughts go? Here’s a secret I’d like to share with you. They don’t just disappear. These bad thoughts and memories went into the waste basket of the soul. Instead of leaving the soul like I would want them to, I found a lid called food and I would use this lid to push all these disappointing thoughts back down. Sometimes, I had to jump up on top of that garbage can lid, and make sure all those thoughts stayed where they belong. It’s not like I wanted to be in my feelings about all this. So I’m jumping on the garbage can lid one day, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t push any of that stuff down. Instead, it starts seeping over out of the can, and into my soul. I would prefer my soul to be scrubbed, than to have to deal with all of this. Those thoughts don’t belong here. Those ideas have no place here. This is my soul.
* * *
I was talking to my friend, Sarah a few days ago. She’s the girl that all these guys are falling all over themselves for, but she fell for a guy a while back, and hasn’t really decided to get back up again. It’s funny how ridiculously beautiful Sarah is, because she could basically have any guy she wants to have, but the one guy she wants to have is the one who broke her heart. So she tells me about him, and is wondering if he’s going to come back around, even though he said he was over it.
Isn’t it the worst when you’re waiting on someone to come back around when they said it’s over. That means they took the real hope away, and you’re holding on to some fantasy that you call hope, and you think that they’re going to get back with you because it all works out in your mind. We sat there both staring at the table, because I didn’t really have any advice, and she was staring at the table cause she didn’t want to look up. Nobody wants to look you in the eye when they’re blinking away tears. I offered to buy her a Coke. I heard they make people happy.
You can read part 4 of “What Do You Do With Loss?” here.